50+ Funny and Humoured Quotes

50+ Funny and Humoured Quotes

Nothing Beats Laughter! Deposit loads of smiles in the faces of your loved ones this season with our deeply hilarious 50+ Funny/Humoured Quotes and Messages. Enjoy!

Here are 50+ Funny/Humoured Quotes to send to loved ones this season!

1. If people from Turkey are called Turks, why aren’t people from Germany called Germs?

2.GIRLS!!! They wont give their phone numbers to a known person, But they give all their private details to an unknown tailor.

3. 1. Principal: Are You Chewing Gum.. ?
Student: No, I’m a Human Being.

4. Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving!

5. What is the difference between a battery and a man?
A battery has a positive side.

6. In God we trust, all others are suspects.

7. A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

8. How to kill a Guy?
Just give him a mobile phone with lots of beautiful Girls phone numbers.
Then Lock him in a place with “No   network coverage.

9. What’s the difference between a fine girl and a computer?
You only have to put information into a computer once.

10. How to impress a woman?
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to impress a man?
Arrive naked with beer.

11.Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn’t you?

Pupil: Not very much.

12. Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Answer: 789 get it? Seven ate nine!

13. What go up but never goes down?
Answer: Your age!

14. What’s the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.

15. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They are married!

16. There are two times a man doesn’t understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!

17. What do you do when your chair breaks?
Call a chairman.

18. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

19. What animal is best at math?
Rabbits, they multiply fastest.

20. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.

21. Adam and Eve were the happiest and luckiest couple in the world. Why?
Because Neither of them had a mother-in-law!

22.Why are men like commercials?
You can’t believe a word they say.

23. Politicians are like diapers.
They should be changed frequently for the same reason.

24. Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

25. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

25. What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her. Pity her.

26. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

27. This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful. We have obviously sent it to the wrong number. We are truly sorry for the inconvenience.

28. Money will buy a bed but not sleep, it will buy you food but not appetite, amusement but not happiness. You see, money is not everything. Therefore, if you have too much, please send it to me ASAP!

29. Everyone, except me, wants to become a millionaire. I want to become a billionaire.

30. Newsflash: Police are looking for a suspect who’s smart, sexy, witty and very gorgeous. They’ve already eliminated you from the list of suspects. Where do you think I should hide?

31. If I were to make a dictionary, I’d make: CUTE=you; SWEET=you; THOUGHTFUL=you; GOOD LOOKING=you; GORGEOUS=you; LIAR=me!

32. When he was five years old, he wanted to become a lawyer. Now that he is a lawyer, he acts like a five-years old.

33. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

34. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

35. I say no to alcohol, but it just doesn’t listen.

36. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

37. Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die Still!

39. You cannot taste me, until you undress me. -Banana

40. Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? So why aren’t you laughing?..

41. If 13 is an unlucky number, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

42. Being at the top is lonely; but you do eat better.

43.When I was a child my father attacked me with a camera; I still have flashbacks.

44. Few women admit their age; few men act it.

45. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

46. Don’t steal. The government hates competition.

47. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.

48. Nobody is perfect, and I am nobody!

49. Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.

50.  Mother: “Are you talking back at me?
Son: “Well yeah, that’s kinda how communication works.”

51. Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

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